Freestyling

This is too timely....

fuck. i really got myself entangled with this girl. its so complicated. but basically. she invited me out today and i suggested a movie cause i had a work shift till 9.

before this, several days ago, we had an outdoors experience that turned into making out and touching for hours in the forest and then intimacy at my place for the night. this was a few days ago. but last night at the movie. she got so scared she was crying and hiding and clinging to me. i said half jokingly. is it too scary, do you want to leave?

going back to my car she was not into me at all. because i repulsed her with that comment. she said i was being patriarchal. i said no you expressed to me before the movie that you did not wish to see a scary movie so i felt guilty a bit for the fear you were experiencing which was more than i have seen a girl experience before. she said she was repulsed by the comment still and that we werent compatible. anyway i drive her home and were rationalizing our emotions, she paid for both tickets (i offered to pay my half she declined) i was trying desperately to make her come off that stance. so i suggested that because she paid full price for two that maybe she did want to leave but wanted to get full value for her money. and other little things that made her re-think the whole situation. i got her to put her seat back and caress me as i talked to her. but then i moved onto a topic regarding work that got me angry and it changed my tone of voice. i was a hostile altercation at a blue collar workplace. these hostile feeligs made her sit up and ask to be drivin home..

i let my guard down. she was telling me how she pushed the love of her life away and had to goto a counsellor to try to figure it out. she cried during her story. she basically would wake up in the middle of  the night with anxiety that he didnt love her and couldnt go back to sleep. and  then during the day yell at him to prove that he loved her.

on my end. i know it wasnt good to convey a story that got me upset retelling it. but shes very selfish because i told her a story about how my best friend lost a lot of his long time male friends because his girlfriend would make him choose between activities with them and activities with her.

when i told this story it was before my anger story, and she sympathized with my friends girlfriend by actually saying "i sympathize with her though, shes just young and confused" but telling that story i was of course siding with my friend.

she admits she is the sole reason that breakup happened. shes 19, im 27, and her ex is 24. and he moved to norway actually because of the breakup back to his home country.

i feel that she has somehow made me love her for the sole purpose of her finding a nit picky reason to reject me, to make somebody else feel the rejection she feels from her old breakup.

we held each other naked for hours the first day, there was so much affection. and she can turn this all away because i repulsed her with a comment that was patriarchal?

i just dont buy it.

my feelings are...of course i made a mistake with my energy and let me energy turn agitated and upset which pushed her away. but I deserve better than this. I gave her my ENTIRE HEART. and she knows that. and she trampled it.


i almost feel like i was only able to get her to cuddle with me again when we got close to her house because im gifted sensually and aroused some kindof sensitivity inside of her that was going against her plans to devour me. like i made the devil empathize and appreciate me before finally shaking her head to her senses to run the stake through my heart which was her plan all along.



Am i Wrong for believing this? I just refuse to believe her intentions were pure. ALSO she was seeing somebody else, but that person wasnt her Boyfriend either. just another guy experiment while she was experimenting with me.


perhaps she wanted to see how far my dynamics would go and when i revealed i was just a sweetheart underneath, she became bored and therefore used the excuse that she used to say we were incompatible. but a girl whose crying and clinging to me in a movie theater. how am i not supposed to have empathy toward that girl. especially when i think shes interested in me? she intiated the contact asking me if i was free today.


in fact i have not been pushy at all in trying to see her....after the forest day she asked me if i missed her. i did not ask her that. my reply was  "but you didnt really go anywhere?" arent you just at home?" or something to that effect.




how can giving my heart and care repulse someone that is holding me while being scare. i just cant accept it.

i hate to come her and ask for a second opinion. but i need criticism on my actions. i need help understanding this.

My reaction to that story from personal experience of existence is now crystalised as = Do not waste ones time trying to analyse a females behaviour , it only leads to disappointments, despairs, deep frustrations etc, they cant deal in rational reasoning to the nth degree, although there may be a few that can , let me know if you encounter one and its reasoning is solid
I now import bill hicks overall philosophy of life into any transaction with a female = Enjoy the ride if ones on offer.  

if not , dont waste your time, its not worth it , its all an illusion fed by ones own hijacked redirected energy , better to whack off than chase a vacuum generating its own vacuousness which its not even aware of in itself

but then again theres always a slim chance of something really good occuring / being encountered for a spell dictated by whom ? one may have a little input on its duration , but the final judgement occurs outside of ones perception , later come some reasons , fat good that is , but something takes pleasure in it

its wise to be aware of exactly what one is looking for, shortterm intimate connections with sex only
ongoing relationship all actions with no future expectation in mind
marriage / children / security lovenest etc

i will take this advice sometime too myself

thanks for the reply

she has such a carefree energy... i wish she was a different person in a lot of ways. man she is lost.....I feel so sorry for her. i hope she gets better

I've never flirted around hurting new people because i was lonely. I did drugs and destroyed myself and my potential. But ive never wanted to use somebody else for a feeling. now that ive been off drugs for some time, my idealism has kicked in and im only interested in mutual genuine feelings. i would never give the impression i liked or loved somebody else just to see how they responded so i could lament them with some kindof criticism for responding to my affection.

if i had guarded my feelings somehow and limited everything and made her work harder for my feelings. it wouldve led to some weeks or maybe even a few months of casual encounters and seeing each other. but it still had zero hope of becoming something greater.

shes very hypocritical to feel entitled to express herself freely towards guys but then judge guys when they express themselves too little or too much. i actually pretended to make her take the transit home after sushi one day and she got upset that i was being serious. she actually told me not to do that cause it caused feelings of attachment cause i was pretending to just pay and go "cya later". but when i take an interest in her well being i am also in the wrong.

I really dont think her sentiments are worth fighting to please. because they change all the time and she doesnt care about other peoples feelings. thats literally the de facto reason why her ex lover of her life broke up with her because she only thinks about herself.

Highnoon-

I wouldn't ever seek to give "advice" let alone criticism toward a situation I don't understand fully. It seems interesting that you posted this at the time you did however, as this happens to be a interest of mine. I had a similar experience a few years back, with a girl I had known since grade school. What was interesting, is that she portrayed an entirely different mask than the one visible. Eventually, as all masks do, it came off. I wasn't at all impressed with what I saw and it definitely made me step back emotionally. She was seeing other people, (after exclusivity had been established) most often based in parties and drinking.

After I found out, I took a trip to Salem, OR where she was attending school at the time. There was a pointless alpha-male dominating contest between myself and the other guy. For two years it continued to eat me alive, from the inside out. I started to notice patterns in my dating habits, sexual encounters, even basic communication with the opposite sex. There was one constant, and that was an intentionally placed distance. Somehow, I had figured out how to move through the motions in a convincing manner within relationships, long and short. The same pain that I had experienced I often inflicted onto the girls that I so casually had sex with. It felt like it was what I wanted, but without that gut warming feeling, when base instinct and emotions are symbiotic in a decision.

I think there were a few key points in which you could have absolutely changed the outcome of that scenario. The first being emotional consolation, at a stage that was somewhat pre-mature. It's funny, nowadays sex comes first, emotion ensues. I would say it's not usually a good idea to see a scary movie in dating stages, only because it doesn't set the mood for a romantic, fun, and happy evening. I always tell people that the first date should set the pace for every date thereafter. Obviously you had been on more than one date, so the rule doesn't necessarily apply here. In my mind, there are one of two explanations. The first being what you said, that she was toying with you, and stringing you along as to re-enact and inflict the pain she felt. That would seem a little too far for a 19 year old in my mind, but it's entirely possible. The more likely is that you could very well have reminded her in some way of a relationship that wasn't all that positive. (i.e. ex-boyfriend, dad, w/e) This would very quickly cause anyone to shut down, and would change the feelings, and energy between you two.

I don't think women are able to be understood with male thinking. Generally speaking, logic and rationale have a hard time interpreting intuitive emotional creatures like women. To try and predict their patterns, or to understand their reactions, I believe a different style of thinking and questioning have to be adopted. This is coming from a guy that hasn't ever had a strong male presence in his life, and has spent the majority of his time with women. I wish the best of luck for you man, women are intricate and complex; also entirely simple and fundamental. They are a perfect example of a paradox.

-B

At age nineteen her brain isn't even fully developed until age 25...but her orifices are more than developed and adequate.
If she has said you are not compatible then she should no longer be dumping her emotional baggage upon you.
Let her know if she wants a hot meal out someplace followed by some hot dick at your place, then she knows where to find you and she can pick up the phone and make the call.
Don't let her spend the night either if she still continues to express your incompatibility, your shortcomings or comes across in any way with expressing discontentment towards you or around you.  Don't chase her down to get details on your next meet-up as if you are the eager pursuing person.  Let her know it is no big deal if she isn't available and you don't think you can really fit her into your schedule anyway...keep it casual and loose.  Avoid deep conversations about emotions and shit like that.  The only deep emotions she should be talking about are the ones she has for you.
Don't go out of your way to impress or please her.  She has to earn that honor.
Chicks can pick up a dude anywhere and under any circumstances and have him acting like a trained dog with all the traditional role-playing and mind games.  Therefore, a young woman isn't going to value any male too highly.  A woman's standards is determined by her options and with lots to choose from then the value of the male goes down as does the appreciation level for you.
You are the prize my friend and she needs you more than you need her...you just got to know how to lay that pipe just right, don't make yourself so available to her and the world is your oyster my friend.
Don't be so nice, sincere and available, but treat her like the gutter skank she really is.

Most women are shallow, selfish, deceptive and lack accountability for their words or actions.  As long as you know what you are dealing with all is in order.

First things I need to establish with a woman beyond interest in a friendship...

Have you ever been committed to a mental institution, a mental treatment or counseling center?
Have you ever or do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist?
Do you have any diagnosed mental, personality or emotional disorders?  Past traumas that effect you now?
Have you or are you using any kind of psychotropic drugs or serotonin reuptake inhibitors?
Do you binge eat, eat and purge or cut yourself?
Do you drink alcohol?  Do you smoke?
Do you use, even rarely, any type of prescription, recreational or over the counter drugs?
Have you ever been raped, physically assaulted or molested?
Have you had or do you have any sexually transmitted diseases?
Have you ever been married?  Divorced?  Children?  Abortions?
What is your medical history and what is your current health status?  Allergies?  Heart problems?  Diabetes?  etc.
Have you ever been arrested or have a criminal history?

...and with that understanding we then move onto questionnaire number 2...

One sure piece of advice is that if one does not want a unexpected baby on the way which is a permanent life-changing event, then never, never, never trust another person with being the only one practicing birth control.
The 99.9% effectiveness of the pill is a sham statistic never mind the likelihood of user error or "selective unexplainable malfunctions"

All pro advice.


I have changed my mind since the emotions and shock went away.

We went on a hike and smoked indica, which makes me very emotional and sensitive and depressed. and combined with the tranquility of the forest and her sensuality which i havnt experienced in 5 years, plus the fact I had a crush on her for 9 months at work, basically melted me into a baby, it did similiar things for her too.

When we made love I couldn't climax because I was overloaded with sensuality. I had givin up on my life for so many years, the experience was foreign. My aura was weak. I couldnt get into lust mode, only love mode.


She isnt half as crazy as I thought. I am too sensitive because I have abandonment issues and failures and problems in my psyche, And i couldnt do what QSC said, which was keep it loose and casual. I couldnt even fuck her right.

I am just emotionally impotent.

she liked me so much at work because work was like having training wheels. the boss schedualed all our shifts and I could switch off of conversation to do job duties when I was about to sound boring. I could remain aloof and be funny because my boss never worked the days we did so i could goof around, we worked at the pizza place just ourselves, her pizza maker and me delivery. Take that away and introduce for lack of a better word, spiritual and intense nature encounter. my shell cracked, my feelings came out like torrent. I became a victim to my ideals about her.

she unfairly took some things out of context, but that was all probably because I had already failed the checklist and she needed to justify somehow why we werent compatable. Its not that im patriarchal, its that i simply liked her too much. And I came a different person entirely out of the workplace post- nature hike. Just a needy wretched pathetic creature.

After we had sex she said I should be more wild and whatnot in bed, because i am very good looking. she liked several things about me, but i just could not play the role that was being offered freely to me, which was casual encounter fuck buddy, friend. she pretty much wanted me to be a fuck buddy. and to have that crazy sex with me, but i just withdrew and tried to take her into my small area of pain and emptiness where she could be a small fire to light my small cave.

the boyfriend/girlfriend stuff might have happened naturally.....but i have to maintain alpha and find a way to get interested in a girls body and not just want their feelings.
need to love myself more and heal. when im spiritually healed I will be able to feel like I deserve a woman and express myself to them properly. I never flirted with her in any way that hinted at feelings or insecurities on my end, I always treated her like my kid sister and occasionally be a little mean to her in good fun.


But the hike....it switched off all my safeguards and just rendered me exposed. (experience , setting, kissing/touching, weed)Its really just all about i cant express myself properly. because i am a broken person. this has to change.

I gotta play by the rules. The michael tsarion stuff only goes so far. In the end you do have to impress people and impress yourself. Pride is not bad at all, its extremely important. Its only really bad if its over vain things. but over real things that took time/money/effort, all of your pride is basically who you are. Its your life and all the things you've done. I better start doing things, and I better start having some pride.

Maybe casual sex isn't good for you. Love relationship is more then that anyways.

And having a sexual relationship with someone you continue to work with on the job is never a good idea.
Don't shit where you eat...as the saying goes.

I really shouldn't give people relationship advice because you never know the intricacies of people and their chemistry.

I have smoked a lot of weed years ago and can tell you that if you have all this personal stuff going on within yourself that is unresolved, then weed just lowers your vibration and keeps you down stirring in this type of sludge. And I like the way weed makes me feel especially as an aphrodisiac, but it tended to get in my way in other respects.
It took years of avoiding it to realize that I was better without it.
I still think that I miss how weed made me feel from time to time, but then I really sit down and think about it deeply and remember the feeling of being stoned, and I just take a pass.
I simply outgrew weed at some point as it did nothing desirable for me.

The only drug I would consider trying would be an ayahuasca experience with a reputable shaman in south america.
And it isn't supposedly a recreational experience but can be an uncomfortable transformative experience.

Yeah we stopped working 1 week apart. i put in my notice of leave first, then she did.


But youre right. you dont fuck your friends or your coworkers. But i guess she doesnt care if she fucks a friend and ruins the friendship because


" I should mention that I'm exploring non-monogamy. Online dating is a good way to branch out from your usual circles to meet people."


heh. she is constantly meeting new guys and throwing away the dross and pursuing what seems good.

what was very selfish about her actions is how she admitted to me she threw away many of her friendships for her old relationship. but then she threw away that relationship by being uncompromising and pushing him away. and with me, valued the experiment of fucking and flirting with me over almost a year of friendship building. i took the bait cause girls of her quality never do this to me.

then i found out. she only ever turned down 2 guys who wanted to fuck her in her entire life. her rationalizing was in these words....(paraphrased)


ill fuck a guy even who im not into, because maybe he can provide me with a new experience.


IE
hes ugly...but what if his dick is big, or is curved in an interesting way?

some excellent naked analysis and unique observations in the above posts high noon and qsc , enjoyed reading those

I think marriage and maybe even relationship as western society knows it, is finished as a working model of restraints and principles

Random Rant.

BRING ON THE FUCKING AUTUMN ALREADY. My area hasn't had one ounce of rain in months (or it seems). The sun is always just beating down, all of the greenery is turning to dust, and it just sucks.

Ready for Halloween, jack'o lanterns and what not. We usually good some good cool rain in the Fall. Summer has ran its course.

this guys channel is cool

Cool stuff highnoon...thanks for the link.

That guys channel is cool, watched a few videos and really enjoy his form of presenting.

Was going to write and rant about a bunch of things rolling around in my brain and mind, but I chickened out.

please rant.

Almost gave up, today... by giving up on the past and not hoping for a tomorrow.

Just been down lately. From moving houses to guests living within the house to bringing a dog back from a certain mangy death. From family issues to my own personal issues to others issues. From being told it's wrong or a waste of time "dredging up the past" to "You need to do this or that"...feeling like I've reached the saturation point, but no wait there's more and yet more to come.  

On the side and aside from my mini rant (not really a rant), hydro/perox and borax will help with mange, and Billy Jack is a fantastic movie!

Yes Flames, psychic hygiene is something that stands out for me as well. I don't think that I am moral or psychically immune in the way I would like to be. I have a difficult time in identifying the source, perhaps that is because my whole life seems like one source after another. I really mean that even though I know there are so many who have had more difficulties or challenges in their life than I. Fighting has seemed like a life long pursuit and it has worn me down. I am tired of fighting and arguing and asking or begging for what should already be. This constant anxiety derived from my past and blended with my present. What I find most difficult is the reconciliation of this past of mine, the knowledge that I've gained and how I find myself to be now. Still passionate, yet unmotivated to better myself. Still wanting to do so much more and yet I do not. I don't know what I'm waiting for. Maybe I feel like I don't deserve or am good enough and this negative self depreciation feeds back into this loop of misery.

The other day I was reading about pain, psychical and emotional experiences and how this wires the brain. Was feeling pretty good about myself, thinking that I'm not one to avoid a painful experience. As I browsed around a bit still feelin proud about my strengths, I came across this one simple phrase that hit me like a brick to the face...

"The pain of self-discipline"...now that is a pain I've avoided and to think about this is quite humbling.

blackbird wrote:"The pain of self-discipline"...now that is a pain I've avoided and to think about this is quite humbling.

I thought about this one previously and my personal conclusion was that the invocation and ongoing activation of self discipline for a specific goal or purpose is more like an "Ordeal"
During this ordeal, pain and pleasure both physical and mental may be experienced in varying degrees of intensity and duration  
At some point, if the self discipline has been adhered too as planned,  the goal or purpose of it manifests , the ordeal then ends as the self disciplined pursuit becomes normalised in the individual which results in a deep feeling of satisfaction being generated inside the self, which transcends the usual physical and mental pleasures of the day,  this deeper feeling of satisfaction is being generated at the spiritual level, because what has been achieved by this new enforced / trained  self discipline affects change on the way in which the individuals  physical and mental faculties relate to existence , resulting in a self-propelled spiritual adjustment of the individuals  destiny or fate.
The direct bi-product of this , is that also now,  that individual creates a new set of reactions and perceptions on every other individual they relate with
Its all good,  as long as what was self disciplined into the person is of itself a worthy pursuit for the health and wealth of humanity

In saying that, it is very difficult to self discipline anything into ones existence until your reasons are sound enough, then anything is possible , hence the true power of words, images, feelings to change a fate

Interesting way of words Kapitanscarlet and the word "ordeal" does bring to mind some great effort, for a purpose.
I appreciate you sharing your personal conclusion and the insightful way of saying that self discipline is most valuable and effectively worthwhile when the purpose is a pursuit of health and wholeness.

Self discipline. such a hard one for me. My reward and punishment system follow their own beat. I can wake up ego driven and maybe have a solid week like that and then it changes and ill blow money and be self destructive. I tried to get addicted to cigarettes i couldnt get addicted. Tried menthol too which supress nicotine conversion, didnt get addicted. dopamine centers dont work properly.

i feel like i was born with a semi functioning ego. the reality is that everything peaks and then declines. life is like approaching a planet from the distance. its not in view and then its a dot then it gets bigger then you see the planet up close and then you go past it then it gets smaller then its a dot then it dissappears forever. thats like our lives. were nothing then we come into existance then we peak and were popular with a certain number of people then your friends die and less people know you who you are and then you yourself die and even less people remembers who you are then when the last person who knew you dies then theres nobody on the planet that had first hand experience with you you just become a collection of photos and videos and then when those photos and videos are lost you just become a document to the government and a statistic and then if the country loses a war those documents can get destroyed and effectively you never existed

im currently submerged in the futility of ones existence and all the connotations that affect your daily life whilst harbouring such thought.  And thats because i have the time to do so , and not much else interests me enough at the moment to take that thoughts away (well at least presently aquirable interests (:  )     but good point of discussion,  the meaning or meaninglessness of peoples lives ,  whats it all about ? is the question

Either a person commits fully to the hedonistic rampage , or buys the religious  commitment, the societal power trip, or volunteers to be  brainstormed with drink or drugs  . or stumbles along still thinking freely but without anything concrete to believe in or drive them on with purpose ,  what is there out there  ?  self education , women / men relating, money,  power all things that can consume lots of time and emotion .

What if the person cant get what they want / need =  what then , is that when destructive  thoughts are generated
Or is it all a large complex dream game where your very decisions are much more important than you can ever imagine in this dreamscape , but one will find out later in the gameshow

but heres some light humour to finish with,  apparently the 5 minute conversation between stallone and rourke in the first expendable film  will crack up anyone with a free mind who listens to it , and its not supposed to be funny

Find ones humour where one can ,  its a potent medicine for the ordeal of existence , along with some other desires being met consistently

actually now ive just watched it ,  its not that funny , its more educational in a primal sort of way

@ highnoon...

This guy is self-taught using books and video instruction...